I’m Here AKA I Really Want to Love This World (好想爱这个世界啊)
First released at Mars Concert 2019 on November 16, 2019. Officially released on December 4, 2019. Be included in Hua Chenyu’s 4th album “NEW WORLD”.
It has broken the record for the number of digital single sales in China.
1. About the song
Mars Triology - Part One
A work that calls for a better understanding of the feelings of depressive disorder patients.
On April 3, 2020, Hua Chenyu performed this song on EP9 of the Singing Talent Show Contest “Singer 2020”.
On September 25, 2022, at the online concert “Mars Chapter” celebrating the 9th anniversary of his debut, Hua Chenyu rearranged 11 songs in collaboration with a symphony orchestra and a choir.
When we first encountered Hua’s music, we were deeply attracted to his carefree spirit expressed in songs like “I Don’t Care” and “Aliens”. He is so cool that I feel a volcano could be chilled instantly by one look from him.
As a child growing up without attentive parents, it’s understandable that he developed a coolness, a psychological mechanism to protect himself. He trained himself not to pay too much attention to social interactions, which was a mostly negative experience in his early childhood. He can isolate himself in a bubble and even enjoy being alone.
An old Chinese saying is “When heaven is about to place a big responsibility on a person, it must first put him through ordeals and tribulations so as to break his will; subdue his spirit; exhaust his muscles; starve his flesh.” Out of Hua’s solitude and struggles, evident in songs like “Fake Monk”, he came out a strong-willed person with an extraordinary mind-frame and vision which have guided him through his early rise to fame without drowning his unique voice in an ocean of commercialization. He was able to hold on to his core beliefs and confidently handle earlier waves of slander in his career using this defense mechanism.
In his own words, “No matter what the circumstance is, I can always make myself comfortable.” This confidence emanates from Hua’s understanding of Buddhist teachings: to gain enlightenment is to see through one’s own self-nature (the universal man not eclipsed by ego). Unenlightenment is the source of confusion and pain. By overcoming our ego, we can start to comprehend the causality (the cause and effect relationship of all things) in the world so that we will no longer be subjected to the whims of our irrational emotions and be condemned in eternal cycles of Samsara (incarnations). “Not pleased by external gains, not saddened by personal losses” has been the gentlemanly pursuit in the spirit of this philosophy. In other words, if you are enlightened, you will not be swayed by emotions and will stay worry-free. In earlier interviews such as “Who Am I Promotion” in 2015, he professed his belief perfectly: I am someone with zero worries, I have no confusion. I fully accept myself. I’ve come to understand that there’s nothing in this world that is the most important. When I was young, I was also someone keen on my dreams. But I don’t have any dreams now. I don’t dream to be a celebrity. I don’t have dreams in music. I mean… From what I understand, most people are pursuing happiness. But that’s not what I’m looking for. I only strive to have no worries. There’s nothing that you have to have and cannot let go of.
“Letting go” is the mantra of Buddhism which means to let go of our ego filled with desires. Our dreams are often the reflection of our desires, so within the Buddhist belief system, it’s better not to dream. We should not only let go of our ego but also, to a large extent, our social being. This will also impose limitations on our mind due to the social norms that our social being gravitated towards, which is a hindrance to enlightenment. Given the non-attachment attitude of Buddhism, Hua developed a cold-eyed perspective on social relationships between people. He said, “For me, the relationship between people is just about using and being used by others. Since I don’t need to use others, why would I let others use me?” It is a blunt, and a bit of a detached, attitude. In summary, at that time, he had a very, very cool mentality.
What has changed between then and now? The nonchalant rocker voice that sings “I don’t care what you think, taking me as a fool or a joke, I am my own expression” has changed to “I once thought of leaving… It’s because of those narratives, those stances and those inflicted pains” in “I’m Here AKA I Really Want to Love This World”. From not giving a damn about other people’s opinions to getting hurt by others’ narratives, we can’t help asking, has he lost his cool?
The answer probably lies in Hua’s suppressed social being. Being detached from the crowd gives you freedom of mind and a carefree spirit, however, you also need to suppress your social being. That emotional and vulnerable social being needs love and support from family and friends as well as the approval of society, the very opposite of his cool persona. When life sails smoothly, his social being will not be too aggrieved and can be kept at bay to a degree.
Hegel’s famous dialectical theory is that the antithesis of a thesis is bound to develop and emerge. So, as the antithesis of his detached being, his suppressed social being inevitably emerged in an unexpected way when it was wronged by his circumstances and ignored by his cool persona for too long. His earlier enlightenment offered no solution in this respect and it caught up with him in a big way–he was depressed.
I can only imagine the shock he experienced when his former belief system was crushed so relentlessly. After all, he can’t stay worry-free and unbothered by his sense of being wronged. Years of mindfulness practice still couldn’t fend off his tumultuous emotions.
Being honest, he exposed his vulnerabilities to us without reservation and made his struggles relatable to all of us. Who isn’t dealing with a suppressed identity of their own? We are dialectical in nature to begin with. When we profess one being, then our other beings will be suppressed. If we don’t recognize our hidden selves and take care of them, then some of them will force their way to our consciousness and wreak havoc.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Let’s not forget that there is still the third part in Hegel’s theory: after the antithesis emerges, the thesis and antithesis will synthesize and a new thesis will emerge. So out of this depression, we can see that a new Hua Hua has already appeared. He has reconnected with his social being, he is close to his friends, his world is suddenly “filled with colors when smiles bloom”. He is taking care of his social being more than ever while still holding on to his former beliefs about universal perspective and universal love. He has deconstructed his old world and started a brand new world.
No matter how gloomy his songs are, they always end on a brighter note and his struggles are never pointless. He always emerges stronger like he has a thousand times before when growing up. We can count on him for that. I am looking forward to witnessing his journey of self-exploration and discovery because it has always been an upward spiral.
Counter darkness with gentleness, dispel depression with understandings, usher in beauties with a smile— these are what Hua Chenyu is looking forward to. As the song specially written for people suffering depression in the “Trilogy of Mars”, This song conveys Hua Chenyu’s sensibility and understanding of this world and his respect towards and his love of life. We hope everyone can meet the beauty of this world in love and goodness.
Hua Chenyu specifically posted a commentary on the song on social media (Weibo):
“I’m Here AKA I Really Want to Love This World” is the first song in the Mars trilogy I wrote this year. It’s about depression. People who are suffering depression are very afraid of being considered as “quite normal” and being ignored. When a day comes that he is willing to tell you that he may be sick, that proves he is taking you as a very important person to him. Therefore at that time, please don’t say as a first reaction things like “I feel you are fine, you look quite normal usually.” Please be aware that right after you say that, it may let him have anxiety towards the world and people. If you are a friend who is about to be sick or is already sick, I really hope this song can offer some warmth. If you are having a great life, I really hope that you can offer care to friends who are or about to be sick.
2. Videos
Listen Online
“Mars Chapter” Symphony
Mars Concert 2019
“Singer 2020” EP9
3. Lyrics Translation
Lyricist: Pei Yu |
| 好想爱这个世界啊 | I’m Here AKA I Really Want to Love This World |
|---|---|
| 抱着沙发 睡眼昏花 凌乱头发 | Cuddled up on the sofa, sleepy eyes, messy hair |
| 却渴望像电影主角一样潇洒 | Yet yearning to be as carefree as the lead role in a movie |
| 屋檐角下 排着乌鸦 密密麻麻 | Below the eave, rows of crows were closely nestled |
| 被压抑的情绪不知如何表达 | Didn’t know how to express the suppressed emotions |
| 无论我 在这里 在那里 | No matter if I was here or there |
| 仿佛失魂的虫鸣 | Like the soulless chirping of insects |
| 却明白此刻应该做些努力 | Yet I understood I needed to somehow make the effort right away |
| 无论我 在这里 在那里 | No matter if I am here or there |
| 不能弥补的过去 | The past cannot be remedied |
| 每当想起 | whenever I remember… |
| 想过离开 | I once thought of leaving |
| 以这种方式存在 | and existing as an absent man |
| 是因为 那些旁白 那些姿态 那些伤害 | It was because of those narratives those stances, and those inflicted pains |
| 不想离开 | I didn’t want to leave |
| 当你说还有你在 | When you said you were still there |
| 忽然我开始莫名 期 待 | Suddenly, I started to have an indescribable hope |
| 夕阳西下 翻着电话 | The sun set in the west while I was scrolling through my phone |
| 无人拨打 | I had no one to call |
| 是习惯孤独的我该得到的吧 | Isn’t that what I deserve as a habitually lonely man? |
| 独木桥呀 把谁推下 | On a single-log bridge, who should be pushed off |
| 才算赢家 | so that a winner can be declared? |
| 我无声的反抗何时能战胜它 | When will my silent resistance succeed in overcoming it? |
| 无论我 在这里 在那里 | No matter if I was here or there |
| 仿佛失魂的虫鸣 | Like the soulless chirping of insects |
| 却明白此刻应该做些努力 | Yet I understood I needed to somehow make the effort right away |
| 无论我 在这里 在那里 | No matter if I am here or there |
| 不能弥补的过去 | The past cannot be remedied |
| 每当想起 | whenever I remember… |
| 想过离开 | I once thought of leaving |
| 以这种方式存在 | and existing as an absent man |
| 是因为 那些旁白 那些姿态 那些伤害 | It was because of those narratives those stances, and those inflicted pains |
| 不想离开 | I didn’t want to leave |
| 也许尝试过被爱 | Perhaps if I try to accept love |
| 会开始仰望未来 | I could start to look forward to the future |
| 伤疤 | Scars |
| 就丢给回忆吧 | Just leave them to the memories |
| 放下 | Let them go |
| 才得到更好啊 | Then you can get better things in life |
| 别 怕 别 怕 | Don’t be afraid |
| 想过离开 | I have thought of leaving |
| 当阳光败给阴霾 | When the haze defeated the sunlight |
| 没想到你会拼命为我拨开 | I never thought that you would sweep it away for me with all your might |
| 曾想过离开 | Once I thought of leaving |
| [却又坚持到现在] | [Yet I have persisted till now |
| [熬过了那些旁白 那些姿态 那些伤害] | and endured those narratives, those stances, and those pains] |
| 不想离开 | I don’t want to leave |
| 当你的笑容绽开 | When your smile blooms |
| 这世界突然填满 色彩 | Suddenly, the world is filled with colors |
| 抱着沙发 睡眼昏花 凌乱头发 | Cuddled up on the sofa, sleepy eyes, messy hair |
| 夕阳西下接通电话 | The sun set in the west, the call came through |
| 是你呀 | Oh, it’s you |